Direct Answers - March 3

I am a 26-year-old married woman, and we are expecting our first child. My husband and I used to go out every weekend and play cards with friends or have a few drinks. I am unable to do this now. Since I became pregnant, I have lost my energy level and been sick a lot.

I trusted my husband and told him he should still go out and have fun, just don’t forget about me. Everything was fine, or so I thought. One night after I went to bed I heard my husband on the computer, so I came out to see what he was doing. When I walked into the computer room, he downsized what he was doing and asked me why I was up.

Curiosity killed the cat, but not me. Next morning I read his email, both sent and received. My husband had written a friend about how he wanted to hook up with her, and that he had great dreams about the sex they would have together. Her emails neither encouraged nor discouraged him. They haven’t slept together yet, but I know my husband’s mind and eyes are straying.

I continued to read his mail and found several more with sexual hints or lies. One Saturday we spent the evening together, a romantic dinner and cozied up with a movie, followed by what married people do best. In his email he apologized to his friend and said he was sick and throwing up all night. This really hurt.

My dilemma is I am not sure how to tell him I know. I have printed out copies of his emails. Should I stay and constantly worry, or should I leave and wonder what he would have done. Maybe I am reading too much into this. Can you give me some advice?

Francesca

Francesca, at this point in your marriage, your husband should be thinking and talking about being a father. He should be thrilled, sharing his excitement with you. He should be nest-building and preparing for this child, another part of him on the planet.

Instead, your husband is lying, the prelude to cheating. A person about to cheat fantasizes about it, plays it out in his head, and makes tentative efforts to bring it about. Your husband has done all of these. He is practicing to make it happen. You can’t spend your whole life trying to stop him from doing this.

Nothing—no marriage contract, no sense of duty, no outside pressure—can force him to be what he is not. You must let him know that you know. If you don’t, it will be a lie on your part. Hang on to copies of those emails. Put them in a safe place. You don’t want their contents to be denied.

Just as your husband is thinking about himself, so you must think about yourself and the best interests of your child. The first step is telling your husband. There is no easy way to do this, and only you can decide the manner in which it should be done. You needn’t use words, just show him the email.

Wishing, hoping, and false promises aren’t going to aid you and your baby. Look at your situation in the harshest light of reality. The hard reality is that you can’t undo what you know, and you know your husband is actively undermining your marriage.

That’s hard, but that’s the truth.

Wayne & Tamara

The Riddler

My name is Rosemary and I have a question for you. What is the difference between dating someone and seeing someone in a dating sense?

Rosemary

Rosemary, what is the difference between having a boyfriend and not having a boyfriend? Sounds like someone is giving you a confusing answer to a simple question.

Simply put, anything less than dating is not dating. Don’t date anyone who speaks in riddles.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are also the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell, What Infidelity Does to the Victim, available from Amazon, Apple and most booksellers.