The Right Stuff

I was engaged to be married to a man I've been with three years, and I have been miserable for months. There were problems in the past with other girls getting too close, but only one I had proof of.

He promised it was a part of an emotional past he was moving away from. He said he used her for the way she would bring him stuff at work--he's a police officer--and wait on him hand and foot. He said he wanted to treat her badly and use her because he has that urge, but didn't want to do that to me--he loved me too much.

I wanted to believe him so much, so I did. He seemed to change over the next few months. Then he broke his foot and got laid up. It was the best six months of our relationship because he was embarrassed to leave the house on crutches. He was always there with me, and I felt close to him. I realize now he felt like half a man and unattractive because he is very proud of his allure and his physique.

Fast forward to now. I find out by accident he's dating another girl, introducing her to friends of ours I haven't seen lately. They didn't question his new girlfriend. They must have figured we broke up.

He told me he was working overtime shifts to save money for us to get married and pay for a new car, but a lot of the time he was with her. He took her places we used to go, places I would beg him to take me on his day off when he said he had to work or was too tired. I felt neglected, but I blamed it on money and his job.

I love him immensely, I live with him, and I just broke up with him. He is morose, saying I won't give him a chance to change and I am giving up on him. He says he doesn't know why he did what he did, but he realizes he is losing the love of his life.

It's hard to see him like that, but I feel he wants me to feel guilty for "leaving him all alone" when I promised him I'd love him forever and never leave him. Of course, he also promised that to me.

Please tell me I have done the right thing. I am so sad over losing him, the pain is nearly unbearable.

Nita

Nita, in Greek mythology Narcissus was an exceptionally beautiful man who was contemptuous of those who loved him. The gods punished him for his cruelty by having him fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water.

A narcissist lacks empathy, expects others at all times to grant their wishes, and exploits people to get what they want. Your boyfriend is proud of his allure, admits to using women, and lied to you about overtime. The only time you got along well was when he wasn't free to be himself.

The plain fact is a man who loved you could never do this to you. But a narcissist wouldn't have any problem betraying you, and if you found out, he would invent reasons why you had to stay with him.

It helps to remember the difference between shame and guilt. Shame is what we feel when we have done something wrong. Guilt is the tool used by those who seek to manipulate us to get us to do what they desire.

The end of love is painful, but genuine love always flows both ways. You loved him, but he was in love with his own reflection. As a line in the song by Shinedown says, "Sometimes goodbye is a second chance." Breaking up gives you the chance to find love which is genuine.

Wayne & Tamara

But I'm The...

About eight years ago, I first became friends with my college roommate "Cindy." At the time she was dating "John." Our friendship ended shortly before Cindy moved out of our college apartment. In all honesty, I was going through an unhealthy time, and she had her own problems.

Not long after that I got my life back on track, met my future husband, and attended law school. Four years later, I touched base with Cindy. In retrospect, my husband thinks I contacted her because I either subconsciously wanted to show her I was in a good place or wanted closure.

Cindy was now engaged to John. Back in college, people didn't think John was good enough for her, and I thought she was rebelling by dating him. But I grew to see maybe John was more insecure than anything else.

When I introduced my future husband to Cindy and John, he did not like John. John was his usual crass self. He would brag about drinking in college, talk inappropriately about women, and turn any conversation into a story about himself.

When I told my future husband about John's good qualities, he said he was waiting to see them. He didn't want to become friends with John and Cindy, but he made the best of it for my sake. In time, John's behavior started to wear on both of us, and Cindy's faults became more noticeable.

Then John offended me in a whole new way. At our wedding, he met my attorney mentor, a professor at my law school. She agreed to give John advice. When her help fell short of actually getting him in, John told my husband he thought my mentor didn't help at all, and neither had I.

To top it off, when I threw a going-away party for an attorney friend at my house, I invited Cindy and she wanted to bring John. My gut told me John would either irritate or embarrass me in front of my boss, attorney friends, and business contacts.

So I politely asked Cindy to ask John to dress and act conservatively. Mind you, he often dresses in T-shirts with holes, plays with his tongue ring, and flips cigarette butts on the lawn. Cindy and John were offended. I apologized, but inside I was angry. Many times John offended us, but we didn't make an issue out of it.

The next time we saw them Cindy talked to my husband while coldly ignoring me. When I spoke with John, he turned it into an argument and yelled at me in public.

How can I move on so I don't feel angry towards these people?

Marie

Marie, we can all own the sense of going to a school reunion, or not going, based on what we are now. Your husband is likely right. You wanted to show Cindy you had gone somewhere and had a better man than she did.

Everyone in college knew John as an ass, but you pretended he had a silver lining he never showed. If that were true, it would work both ways. When we see someone good, we should suspect they are hiding their bad side. When we can't accept that some people are an ass, and that is their good side, then we spend our lives misjudging others.

If good people go along and don't call others on offensive behavior, how can they say something later on? When they do, it will sound like they are just repeating something they heard from Oprah.

Your anger is displaced. You shouldn't have mined your past to make yourself feel good now. Own up to it. It's on you. Tell your husband, "My bad. Let's bid these two adieu." Then take him out to dinner and promise, in the future, you'll be more careful about swaying him off his feelings.

Wayne & Tamara

Hamster Wheel

I am 39, married for four years. I have no kids, but two stepchildren from my current wife. The problem is I may be in love with someone from my past, and when I say my past, I mean high school.

I met this girl when I was a sophomore and she was a freshman. For me it was instant love. Not only was she the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, she was wonderful. Unfortunately, she was in a popular clique, and well, I was not.

We lived close by, so we rode the same bus to and from school. We were friendly and all, but nothing more. Looking back I can't honestly say if I asked her out she would have said no, but at the time there was no way I was going to risk it.

I wrote her love letters and sent roses on her birthday. She called to thank me, but since I had no idea how to talk to girls, I completely blew that opportunity.

The years sped by as they tend to do, and I thought about her. I figured she was married with kids, and I should just let her go. Once or twice a month I have dreams about her, and no, none of them are sexual. But they usually make me sad. It sometimes takes me a day or two to get over the more vivid ones.

Last year was my 20th high school reunion, and through the grapevine I found out she never married. She's on my Facebook page. I was going to say hi to her just as a friend, but apparently she's never on.

I wrote this letter because last night I had another dream about her. I woke up nearly in tears because it was so emotional. I love my wife but not in the same way; it's more like she's my best friend.

My greatest regret in life is that I never had a chance with this girl. I always felt she was the one I was meant to be with. I feel lost, my heart is breaking, and I have no idea what to do.

Edgar

Edgar, each year, not far from where we live, Civil War re-enactors gather to recreate a battle. They may think what they do is authentic, but parading on clean fields in pressed uniforms doesn't capture the frontline realities of fleas, filth, and the fear of death.

It's more like a getaway weekend. The past is not a buffet where we can take what we want and move it into the present. In truth you are having night sweats over a woman you never dated and barely talked to. You don't know her, and you can't genuinely love someone you don't know.

There are three possible courses of action. First, you can sit around and wallow in this unmatured infatuation and let fantasy destroy your current life--which is exactly what you did as a teenager.

Or you can go see this woman and almost surely be disappointed. But we don't think you will do that. This daydream is about being able to sit on your hands through life, like the man who fantasizes about quitting his job but never does it.

Or you can look at what has been so wrong in your life that you don't want to live in it. What is going on is not about this woman. It's about you. It has nothing to do with her. She doesn't need to be talked to or chased or pursued.

The tragedy is you are losing your life over a phantom. You are having highly charged emotional interactions with someone who exists only in the insubstantial, watery world of your imagination.

We suggest sitting down and talking with a therapist about how to live in the here and now.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell and As the Child of an Alcoholic.