Self-mutilation

I started dating a man two and a half months ago. We live 700 km apart because I am away at university, but we have nevertheless been seeing each other every two weeks or so. This is his first relationship in over five years.

Just when we seem to be getting closer, he pushes me away with a cold or rude comment. Sometimes it's about the long distance and the uncertainty over where I will be living after school, but sometimes it's much more personal. For instance, he will tell me I'm too quiet, too shy, too young, too blonde, too unsettled, too inexperienced, too small, or too vegetarian.

At other times, he searches for critical flaws in my lifestyle. It's almost as though he is expecting me to admit I'm a cocaine addict, have a serious mental illness, or work as an escort. I don't understand what makes him so suspicious and condescending.

I am only slightly younger than him, and I'm very dedicated to my doctorate program, which certainly doesn't leave a lot of time for cocaine binges or moonlighting as an escort.

These incidents leave me feeling terrible and inadequate, but just when I back off, he apologizes, reverts back to an affectionate sweetheart, invites me to stay at his place again, and brings me to dinner with his parents. Then we go back to being a normal new couple until he decides there is something fundamentally wrong with me and the cycle starts all over.

Normally I wouldn't stand to be treated like this, but I have been crazy about him since the day I met him. I just don't know what to make of this ambiguous behavior and am feeling a little manipulated.

If he dislikes me so much and we are so incompatible, why does he keep maintaining this relationship, and why do things feel so right when he's not pushing me away?

Kiki

Kiki, Disney's animation "The Princess and The Frog" gives the fairy tale a novel twist, but the version most of us grew up with delivers a different message. It says a girl can kiss a frog and turn him into a prince. That's an unfortunate idea because in real life the frog remains a slimy amphibian and the princess spends her life in the swamp.

As a university student you've probably learned about many cycles, like the Krebs cycle of cellular respiration and the Calvin cycle, which explains photosynthesis. Your letter describes another cycle. It's called the cycle of abuse.

He insults you, you try to appear worthy, then he insults you again. Just as you are ready to leave, he apologizes, and you deliver yourself to him. The cycle continues. If you don't break this sequence, he will ramp up his behavior until you lose all self-respect.

You question why he is doing what he is doing, but he's not questioning it. He's looking for a woman he can do this to. Why are you volunteering to be that woman?

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell and As the Child of an Alcoholic.

Unsown

I've been reading your advice for awhile and I think you're both very down-to-earth, sensible people. I feel comfortable with your answers. That being said, I need some help.

I'm almost 20, and I've never dated anyone. Honestly, I've never been interested in any guy. I don't like summer flings, and I don't date because "all my friends are doing it." I'm 100 percent happy with myself, so there's never been a desire to find a partner.

Apparently, love turns up when you're not looking for it. I recently met a man who respects me more than my own family, is on the same intellectual level I am, and shares my same passions. When he asked if we could formally start a relationship, I said no. I told him I'd like to keep him as a friend for now. I'm still trying to financially establish myself and get back into school.

I moved away to pursue a job and haven't seen him for six months. I think about him every single day. When I left I had a little crush on this man. I missed him, but I went on with my life. Six months later, I find myself restraining my fingers from dialing his phone number. I keep myself busy so I don't send him six billion emails in two hours.

I do all the silly first-time love things, like write him letters, poetry, and music. I send him presents for no reason.

He said he would rather be alone the rest of his life than have someone that wasn't me. I have never seen respect like he's showed me. If it were up to me, I would ask him to wait a few years before we start anything.

Of course, I'm trying to be realistic, and that isn't fair to him. I don't want to drop the life I have now and move back. I just got a job I've been trying to get for six months. I play guitar in an amazing band, and I just moved to New York, an amazing city.

Like I said, I'm 100 percent happy on my own. If he did go off and find a life with someone I'd probably accept it and acknowledge it was a missed opportunity for me. As long as he's happy, I'm glad for him. Am I missing out on something I should be taking advantage of?

Cissy

Cissy, your letter is full of doubletalk, but not the malicious kind. I'll be happy for him if he leaves, but I can't stop thinking about him. I'd like him to wait, but I can't ask him to park his life for years to see if I'll date him.

To outsiders you appear to be possessed of a warrior self, and you're really out there. Your romantic life says you've yet to enter the fray. We know you value intimate relationships, which is great. You understand if the person you marry is no more than the last person you dated, you'll never be content.

One line in your letter stands out. "He respects me more than my own family." Why does a man you hardly know respect you more than they do? We suspect there's a deficit of affection in your family. If that's the case, it's time to get your hurt self and your hero self into alignment.

Perhaps this isn't about him, the job, or the location. It's about you. We don't willy-nilly recommend counseling, but you have some things to sort out, so find someone who can help you. Don't stagnate.

In older times a man might build a house, clear the land, and plow his fields not knowing who he would wed but becoming ready to wed. That's where we think you are. Clearing the fields and getting ready for what is to come, but not yet there.

Wayne & Tamara

Illusive Intentions

I have been married four years to a man I believe is my soul mate. We both were married once before. I have a daughter who lives with us, and he has a son and a daughter in their 20s who live on their own. My ex-husband and I had a nasty divorce, but once the dust settled, we made peace and cooperate on parenting issues.

My husband's divorce didn't contain as much drama, but it wasn't amicable either. Since the divorce, his wife has called me a "home wrecker" to his family and been unfriendly to my husband. She refused to participate in any of her children's events if I am there.

My husband is a man who is extremely concerned about decorum, and to my knowledge he has never said anything negative about his ex to their children. Recently, he noticed a change in her attitude. She doesn't hang up on him and isn't rude, which is good progress and hopefully shows she is healing.

This morning my husband told me his ex admitted she believes their relationship emotionally damaged the children, which I agree with. As an attempt to undo this damage, she wants the four of them to have dinner together over holidays to show the kids they can be friendly to each other.

I am not sure whether he is planning to do this, but I have told him, if this is what he thinks he needs to do, he has my support. However, I also opined that because his "kids" are actually adults, the arrangement seems a bit contrived and insincere. The four of them having dinner--like old times--may even be a few steps backward.

I need to hear from someone outside to weigh in objectively. To me, it seems the best way to help the kids heal would be to cease and desist with name-calling and boycotting events. Then deal civilly--if not graciously--with the new family dynamics.

While I don't feel threatened because I trust my husband, I wonder if I should consider this a veiled attempt at re-entering his life in a way that could be threatening in the future.

Emily

Emily, worrying about what the Joneses think is a character defect. Why? Because it dials down our authentic feelings, dampens the truth, and gives outsiders unearned leverage.

Your husband's ex-wife understands his preoccupation with decorum. While she may have had a change of heart, with her history you are right to suspect she is taking aim at his Achilles' heel.

For four years she tried nastiness, and it didn't work. If she is still angry, being nice may be her latest strategy. If that is the case, then she hasn't grasped an ancient truth. Holding on to anger is like grabbing hot coals to throw at someone; you are the one who will be burnt.

It isn't the place of parents to act contrary to reality to pacify their adult children. If your husband and his ex mask their true intentions, that will make her the captor and him the hostage.

Whether you go along and give this woman access to him or try to stall and block it, what will happen will happen. If you prevent him, it may label you as the wicked one.

All you can do is know this. If he goes back to her, he didn't actually love you. If he stays with you, it is because he loves you. It's as simple as that. Someone who loves you doesn't leave you.

With that said, just be yourself. Be the person he is in love with, regardless of what his ex does. After awhile even coarse sandpaper wears smooth. You are part of the family now. If she has had a genuine change of heart, in the future there will be a place at the table for you.

Wayne & Tamara