Table Scraps

When my wife and I were dating, we knew our relationship was God-sent and that eventually we would be married. At the time we were facing college, but our parents were not hip on the two of us dorming on the same campus, so they refused to pay our tuition.

Determined not to be split apart, we married and put ourselves through college. During our college years we struggled financially. One worked fulltime and the other schooled. Then the roles reversed.

My wife’s parents are wealthy. They buy restaurants, run them awhile, then sell them. During our college years, they called each week and bragged about their latest financial triumph. It was something grandiose each week. They bought new Cadillacs, built with cash two large and plush custom homes, and bought ocean-front condos which churned out cash they bragged about.

They owned a private beach home, new furniture, expensive clothes, and jewelry. Thankfully, they occasionally gave us gift money we used to help with necessities, but their cash gifts didn’t touch our forever blooming tuition costs.

Several times during our college life the in-laws sold one of their successful restaurants. The idea of owning a restaurant made our mouths water. Each time my wife and I asked to buy the business. Each time they refused. So we would put away the dream of business ownership and go back to our schoolbooks.

When the in-laws decided to sell their last restaurant and retire, my wife and I saw this as our last chance to get into business. We asked to buy it, and they startled us by agreeing. The contract was written by their attorney. We owed them “X” amount, including the interest they charged us, with payment due each month. We had to sell our home and give them the cash from the sale as down payment.

In no way was this “mom and dad giving.” They sold to us looking to make a large profit. There was one oral stipulation: they would train us four weeks and then retire. But at the end of the training, they still came and went as they pleased, ate the food, kept their hands in the cash drawer, and wouldn’t allow my wife and I to make simple changes. They held back on teaching us the business. It was a living nightmare.

At first we tried to be respectful and drop hints. At the two month mark I casually asked my father-in-law, “So are you two about ready to retire?” To which he replied, “We’re not going to retire as long as our daughter is working here.” I was speechless.

Things turned ugly after that. They said I was the one that wanted them out of the business, not their daughter. After more argument here, and manipulation there, I quit. My wife pretended she was the owner for several months, then one day, depressed over arguing with her parents, she quit.

Nearly two years had passed since we bought the business. Her parents were in the business from the first day till the day we left. Five months later, they resold the business and retired.

To this day I have tried to forgive them. Yet I am daily reminded of the damage they inflicted on me as a person, on my marriage, and on my family. Financially, we never recovered.

Since then my wife and I have had two great children, but the in-laws now want to visit all the time. I find myself tied to two of the most manipulative and hateful people I have ever known. How does this look to a non-involved person? If I forgive them as my faith tells me, does that mean I should trust them?

Robert

Robert, forgiveness is about three things. First, we have been wronged. Second, we are angry about the wrong. And third-and this is the point some people do not understand–forgiveness is about ourselves.

Why? Because negative emotions destroy us. Until we get past anger and resentment we can never be at peace. That’s why we must forgive. Some people, however, promote a perverse notion of forgiveness. They think forgiveness means we have to welcome back into our lives the people who have wronged us, as if nothing happened.

If that is what they mean by forgiveness, then they would have a woman remain in contact with the man who assaulted her. That is not forgiveness. That is a rule which says bad people always get to win.

Your in-laws loved the idea of drooling urchins pressing their noses against the window. When no urchins were around, they picked up the phone, called an urchin, and described the meal they were eating. You have to be sick in your soul to keep taunting others with what you have.

From strangers, we have the right to expect adherence to the explicit rules of society. Our family owes us more. With family, we relinquish our caution. We have a right to expect we are safe. That is why offenses done to us by a family member are worse than offenses perpetrated by strangers.

Your wife’s parents betrayed you on both levels. Your in-laws now want a new audience and a new generation to play VIP for. It is up to you and your wife whether you allow that to happen.

If, as you say, you have never recovered financially, then your in-laws owe you financial restitution. Admitting them into the family circle should not even be a consideration until restitution has been made.

The problem is your wife has grown up with these people and probably does not understand how extensively she has been abused. One of the most common reactions to abuse is to deny it ever happened-dissociation–or to excuse it (it really wasn’t that bad).

In one way you contributed to what happened. You and your wife should have pursued your own interests with an eye toward where you were going, instead of hoping to get something from her parents.

You didn’t realize how strongly their small gifts bound you to them. Small rewards intermittently given are the strongest way of controlling others. That is true whether we are talking about rats, pigeons, chimps or people. Your in-laws elicited in two young people the secret hope “something will be given to us.”

In the future you should act as if they will leave whatever money they have to a charity or a school which will name a building after them. And if they ever make you an offer again, you’ll need ten attorneys and a bomb-sniffing dog to check it out. Even then we wouldn’t trust them.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are the authors of As the Child of an Alcoholic and Cheating in a Nutshell.