Part-time Friend

I am a middle-aged woman who teaches at a university and is happily married, so I feel stupid asking you this question. I just wanted you to know I am not a teenager!

A Christian friend of mine has stopped going to breakfast with me, which was once a treat for us as we are both very busy. I know she is occupied, but the signs of cooling are there, I think. Without naming them she tells me she has been breakfasting with other friends.

My husband and I were once welcome at her beach house, but the offer was not extended when they bought a new beach house this past year. Her morning phone calls were once almost daily but now are few and far between. She calls me randomly when she is out on errands, but not for long chats.

Long ago I was warned by a friend she dumped that she uses people for her own purposes, like getting them to volunteer at her church outreach. Then she dumps them when the need disappears. I feel so dumb if this is the case.

I know lives change and circumstances are constantly varying, but what do you think? If she is dumping me, please advise how I can feel better about it and not mope.

Elisabet

Elisabet, author Nassim Nicholas Taleb once wrote about the dilemma faced by turkeys. If you are a turkey being fed for a long period of time, what should you believe? Does the feeding confirm your safety, or does it confirm the danger of becoming dinner?

You were forewarned. You knew what might happen, and yes, it happened to you. When we get a little bit older we don’t have to wrestle things into what we want them to be. We can accept them for what they are. Today we can leave the bed unmade.

The number of people you will have a real bond with will always be small. What you had with this woman wasn’t love or deep friendship but mutual benefit for a time. Though it was more in your eyes, in her eyes it was a symbiotic relationship, a tit for tat, a quid pro quo.

In the novel “Anne of Green Gables” Anne Shirley hopes for a “bosom friend.” Perhaps you have an opening for that, and that is why you wrote. From your experience you know this woman is not a candidate for close friendship. Knowing that will free you to give time and attention to more constant friends, one of whom may become the bosom friend you desire.

Wayne & Tamara

Secondhand Rose

I am a full-time college student. Two months ago my boyfriend went away for training. On the day he left, as I entered my car in a rush to work, he handed me a ring and asked that I wear it and also specified it was not an engagement ring but a promise ring. The ring was very nice and barely fit my ring finger. I gave him a kiss goodbye and off I was.

After taking a closer look during my drive, I realized this ring looked strangely familiar. One night early in our relationship he pulled out this box and showed me a wedding ring set which belonged to his ex-wife. I have a good eye and know for a fact the ring he gave was not new or purchased specifically for me. It’s the wedding ring from the set. We agreed I will move in with him after I graduate. Am I wrong for feeling offended?

Misty

Misty, isn’t that special! He gave you another woman’s wedding ring that doesn’t even fit. Is he planning on making you his next ex-wife?

Regifting is most often done for people we don’t care about. His was a secondhand promise with a secondhand ring. Don’t have a second thought about returning it.

Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell and As the Child of an Alcoholic.