Provenance

I met my now husband seven years ago. When I first met him, he was getting out of a tumultuous relationship with a woman who ended up pulling a gun on us one night. It was horrible.

Another night we drove up to his house and found a “box of love” that she left. In it was everything he ever gave her. I didn’t look, but he told me he bought her pearls and she returned them. I’m not sure what type of pearls, or if it was earrings, a necklace, or a bracelet. He just said “pearls” and that he gave them to his mother.

Here we are seven years later, and I had my birthday over this past weekend. At my party I received a beautiful pearl necklace, bracelet, and set of earrings. I was extremely happy and they are beautiful. Twenty minutes later it felt like a ton of bricks hit me. I thought back to the time this woman returned his gifts.

So I nicely said, “How did you do this without me knowing?” He said, “A little bit at a time.” You see, we share a bank account and we both keep an eye on it. So I just said okay, and let it go.

Today, for some reason, I can’t let it go, and it’s making me feel like an unappreciative selfish person. Maybe I am since I’m thinking this way! We did receive cash from his mom for Christmas, and he put that in a safe place in the house. I saw he deposited some of it in our account, and I believe I accounted for the rest after we used it on a trip.

Should I let this go and be happy with pearls that I’m going to make a family heirloom, to be passed down to my daughter and to her daughter? I don’t see any way of asking him, “Are these the pearls you gave so-and-so?” But should that matter?

Kirsten

Kirsten, in one Zen teaching story two monks, a student and a master, are traveling along a road. When they come to a stream, they see a beautiful young woman unable to cross, so the master picks her up and carries her to the other side. Then the monks resume their travels.

Later that night, when the student scolds the master for having intimate contact with a woman, the master replies, “I put her down on the other side. Are you still carrying her?”

Sometimes it’s hard to know what to put down and what to carry. There are reasons to think these are not the same gems. Would an ex-girlfriend return a set of heirloom-quality pearls? Would someone who pulls a gun be likely to think, “The right thing to do is give them back.”

But even if this woman once had them, after seven years the whammy has worn off the pearls. And if they are not the other woman’s, what a horrible thing to bring up to your husband.

We look at it this way. Pearls are assets, like bonds, Krugerrands, or diamonds. It would be ridiculous to let something of great value go to waste, or to take them to a jewelry store and not receive full value. After seven years it is not regifting. After seven years they are his.

Our favorite detective story is “The Moonstone” by Wilkie Collins. In that tale a gem is stolen from the head of an idol in India and through treachery ends up in England. But legend says the jewel will always return where it belongs, and in the end that is what happens.

Perhaps this incident is a sign to let this woman go as if she never existed. Even if she once had the pearls, they have returned to their proper place. They were meant to adorn the woman who is his wife.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are the authors of As the Child of an Alcoholic.

Whose Children?

Our firstborn adult son no longer allows us to visit at his house or see our only grandchild, now a teenager. It has been four years of being shunned for issues which he stated in a four page email and which I say did not happen.

He knows what I presented are the truthful facts; however, he continues with the emotional extortion, certainly against us, and by example to his maturing child. His wife is a health professional who earns a high income. We have known her over 20 years, since she was 14.

We don’t want to go to court to secure grandparent visitation as the judge would probably ask the child if our visits would be acceptable. We feel the grandchild may say “no” so as not to upset the parents.

We don’t know what our son has told his child about why we no longer visit. We keep in touch with cards, and still send birthday and holiday gifts. However, we have not received a thank you from either of them.

Gayle

Gayle, regular readers of the column may sometimes be shocked by a letter we print, but the truly horrific letters never make it into the column. These letters about sexual, physical, and emotional abuse–and cases of huge neglect–are in a whole different category.

Whatever your son is saying must be grave because you won’t repeat it and you won’t let it pass. Typically, when there is noteworthy abuse and the victim grows up and can voice it, the parents deny it. As proof of the denial, the parents go after the grandchildren and assert their “grandparents rights.”

While it is true an adult child’s complaint may be no stronger than “you get on my nerves,” and in some cases the adult child may be mentally ill, we balance that against the greater evil of giving abusers lifetime access to their children and their children’s children.

Serious abusers pursue the third generation as ruthlessly as they mistreated the second. There isn’t enough information in your letter for us to decide what happened, but one thing we know. This seldom happens with good parenting.

Wayne & Tamara

Clear Conscience

About a year ago I met this great guy from India who was working on contract here. We started a relationship, and I fell in love. I kept my feelings from him, and he did the same. There is a reason I am like this–before we started going out I had an intimate relationship with another man.

In India guys don’t appreciate this from girls, so I never told him. Recently he went back to his country, and all communication stopped. After months of worrying if I will ever see him again, he finally contacted me. It felt good.

I am not a liar. I was tired of keeping this from him and wanted to start a fresh life, so I decided to tell him the truth. When I did, he never replied to my email. Are we over? What should I do?

Rani

Rani, somewhere in an old file cabinet in the back of the male brain is a set of instructions on women. These directives tell a man not to accept a woman who has been intimate with another man. Biologists theorize the instructions were written by nature to ensure a man would at least take care of his own children.

Though many men don’t believe the instructions, men from cultures which reinforce them usually do. Because we are better off living in reality, we are better off being honest. But there are a few exceptions. One would be when honesty is merely cruel. Another would be a woman’s sexual history.

You will be happier with a man you can be honest with, but women should know many men will have a knee-jerk response to their intimate history.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell.