But I’m The…

About eight years ago, I first became friends with my college roommate “Cindy.” At the time she was dating “John.” Our friendship ended shortly before Cindy moved out of our college apartment. In all honesty, I was going through an unhealthy time, and she had her own problems.

Not long after that I got my life back on track, met my future husband, and attended law school. Four years later, I touched base with Cindy. In retrospect, my husband thinks I contacted her because I either subconsciously wanted to show her I was in a good place or wanted closure.

Cindy was now engaged to John. Back in college, people didn’t think John was good enough for her, and I thought she was rebelling by dating him. But I grew to see maybe John was more insecure than anything else.

When I introduced my future husband to Cindy and John, he did not like John. John was his usual crass self. He would brag about drinking in college, talk inappropriately about women, and turn any conversation into a story about himself.

When I told my future husband about John’s good qualities, he said he was waiting to see them. He didn’t want to become friends with John and Cindy, but he made the best of it for my sake. In time, John’s behavior started to wear on both of us, and Cindy’s faults became more noticeable.

Then John offended me in a whole new way. At our wedding, he met my attorney mentor, a professor at my law school. She agreed to give John advice. When her help fell short of actually getting him in, John told my husband he thought my mentor didn’t help at all, and neither had I.

To top it off, when I threw a going-away party for an attorney friend at my house, I invited Cindy and she wanted to bring John. My gut told me John would either irritate or embarrass me in front of my boss, attorney friends, and business contacts.

So I politely asked Cindy to ask John to dress and act conservatively. Mind you, he often dresses in T-shirts with holes, plays with his tongue ring, and flips cigarette butts on the lawn. Cindy and John were offended. I apologized, but inside I was angry. Many times John offended us, but we didn’t make an issue out of it.

The next time we saw them Cindy talked to my husband while coldly ignoring me. When I spoke with John, he turned it into an argument and yelled at me in public.

How can I move on so I don’t feel angry towards these people?

Marie

Marie, we can all own the sense of going to a school reunion, or not going, based on what we are now. Your husband is likely right. You wanted to show Cindy you had gone somewhere and had a better man than she did.

Everyone in college knew John as an ass, but you pretended he had a silver lining he never showed. If that were true, it would work both ways. When we see someone good, we should suspect they are hiding their bad side. When we can’t accept that some people are an ass, and that is their good side, then we spend our lives misjudging others.

If good people go along and don’t call others on offensive behavior, how can they say something later on? When they do, it will sound like they are just repeating something they heard from Oprah.

Your anger is displaced. You shouldn’t have mined your past to make yourself feel good now. Own up to it. It’s on you. Tell your husband, “My bad. Let’s bid these two adieu.” Then take him out to dinner and promise, in the future, you’ll be more careful about swaying him off his feelings.

Wayne & Tamara

Like Father…

Last June I started dating a woman I knew as a friend for five years. She met my family and my two grown kids, and they all love her. We are so happy and in love, and are getting married.

The issue is that her two boys, 15 and 16, will not meet me or attend our wedding. When I’m in my fiancee’s city, they will not even see their mom until I am gone. They currently reside with their dad. He and my fiancée divorced a dozen years ago due to his infidelity. He and that woman had a baby from the affair, and they currently live together with the boys.

My fiancee’s ex has controlled her most of the time since the divorce through the two young men. He has poisoned their minds for his own selfish reasons and claims he still loves my fiancée. In the past he has stalked her, identified the person she is interested in, and caused the relationship to fail.

In my case he is frustrated because I reside a thousand miles away and my fiancée is on to his nonsense and resisting the manipulation. Since he has been unsuccessful in damaging our relationship he is using the boys, knowing that is the umbilical cord to my fiancee’s heart.

The boys have never met me, yet hate me because of their loyalty to their father. They stated to their mom I broke up any future chance for their father and her reuniting. They state they are upset I didn’t ask them for her hand in marriage, even though they will not meet me.

What do I do? I’ve been told I should write my feelings to them in a letter and send it to another location to prevent their father from reading it. But my heart tells me to stay out of it and let my fiancée handle things.

Ramon

Ramon, the boys are trying to win their father’s favor and stay in his good graces. Their daily life depends on it. Nothing you can say, short of “I’m not going to marry your mother,” will be acceptable to them.

They have been sent by their father to sabotage your relationship. Trying to win them over will only make you appear weak. This appears to be the familiar story of a father making sons copies of himself.

In the classic play by Euripides, Medea kills her children to spite her husband after he has left her for another woman. Emotionally, your fiancee’s situation may be even worse. Her ex betrayed her and wronged her, yet he isn’t satisfied. He spites her still. He cannot wound her enough.

A good parent has the restraint of doing what is in the child’s best interest; a bad parent places no such restraint on himself. The good person questions whether they are good. For the bad person, the question never comes up. And good people don’t seem to know that!

We suggest you explore books in two different areas. The first is stalking and how to stop it. You must be forearmed against what your future wife’s ex may be capable of. Even at a distance he poses a threat.

The other field to explore is the psychology of abuse. Understanding abuse will help you understand both what your wife-to-be has been through as well as how her ex-husband thinks.

Openness has a place in our lives some of the time. At other times it may be the worst thing we can do because it lowers our defenses. Whatever you write will be reported to the boys’ father. Perhaps in time they will understand his behavior from an adult perspective, but nothing can be gained now in writing them.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell.