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Shifting Gears

My husband asked me for a divorce a few months ago. Previously he had not communicated all the little things that bothered him. He says he feels he has always come second in my life, second to my friends and to my constant yearning for learning and growth.

He held all this in for over a year. He is sorry he didn't tell me, but he feels the only solution is divorce.

We have seen a counselor together four times. I still love him very much, and all this has hit me like a ton of bricks. I am so confused about what to do next. I am a "make it happen" person who hates to be unsettled, so I am having a difficult time.

A few weeks ago I told him, if he wants a divorce, go file.

We both consider each other best friends, but I cannot live with this constant roller coaster of feelings. We mutually decided it would be best if he moved out. He left 10 days ago to live with his brother. Even though this has been difficult for me, I still do not regret this decision.

We are seeing each other in therapy and going out occasionally for dinner or a movie. I asked him how the first week away was, and he told me he is in limbo.

I am sure you have experience with similar situations. Do you have any advice for me?


Blair, your husband says he is in limbo. Limbo is a place where there is no pain, no suffering, and no regrets. He is more accustomed to the idea of divorce than you. He is beyond some of the pain you now feel.

The image that comes to mind is this. You two are changing gears. You are not in one gear and not in another, but you both know you are going to the next gear. Neither of you is seriously stepping on the brakes. You both know there is a truth behind this breakup.

Now you are going down the checklist. Think about divorce. Bring up the subject. Get the counseling. Move out. File. Determine what the relationship will be in the future.

You thought you were best friends, but for over a year he withheld his feelings. These feelings may have been there from the beginning. Perhaps now, with honesty, you can end this relationship as friends.

Wayne & Tamara


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