September 1, 2022 | View PDF
Two years ago I got out of a long-term, emotionally abusive relationship. After it ended I decided I wanted to explore who I am and leave relationships casual.
About this time I met a wonderful man who wanted the same thing. This lasted for six months until he told me he loved me. I admit I was a little stunned. Then my roommate moved out leaving me stuck with our expensive two-bedroom apartment.
I couldn't afford the place by myself, and this man offered to move in with me. You can imagine how unsure I was about that, but luckily we were very happy living together. We took a marvelous trip to Europe and decided to be exclusive to one another.
We even talked about buying a house together. When we found the house of our dreams, his father made a remarkable offer. He gave us the total sum of the house so we could pay him off interest-free. The only condition was my name would not be on the deed until we married.
This made me nervous, but I was not given time to think about it before I found myself at the closing table with a man who wanted to be my husband! I began spending time with friends, going to dance clubs, and trying to reclaim my youth, even though I am just 22.
I met a very sweet guy who reminded me of my original intention and made me wonder how I got so trapped. One night I ended up in his apartment, and for the first time in my life, I did something which would destroy a relationship.
I felt horrible about violating my significant other's trust, but it felt so liberating. All along I said I am not ready to be a wife. He insists there is no reason I can't work through these feelings and be happy with a commitment most people would kill for.
If I leave I lose a house I am helping to pay for, but still have no real right to. Am I being realistic wanting to explore life on my own, or am I missing an appreciation for a gift given early? How can I get out of this and still feel I made the right decision?
Loni, this is one of the ways a person ends up married to someone nice, someone good, but not someone they can spend their life with. It's almost as if your boyfriend's father is offering you a dowry to marry his son. This dowry is so attractive you are tempted to do what you know is wrong.
This "gift" is no gift at all. It is bait in a trap. A husband is not a fixture that comes with the purchase of the real estate.
A Lesson Learned
I am an Afrikaans-speaking, 39-year-old lady who has filed for divorce. Why? The answer is quite heavy and the explanation is quite good.
As a good Christian girl, I thought I had to work harder at our marriage, give everything, and all would be well. But after 21 years, I just cracked. I could not take the jealousy and emotional battering anymore.
To every woman out there that thinks you have to try, you have to forgive and forget everything being done to you, I say we are all just flesh and blood. Not perfect, just us. I can forgive and forget, but that does not mean I have to stay. I deserve to be loved. Thanks for listening.
Amia, whatever life brings you now, hold steadfast to your promise to yourself. Make the next man one you love, and one who loves you. Don't Wayne & Tamara
Wayne & Tamara are also the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell, available from Amazon, Apple, and most booksellers.