Impulse Control

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I made the terrible mistake of marrying a man because I bore his child. Shortly after the marriage I asked him to leave and filed for divorce. He left but purchased a house across the street. For over three years he has lived across the street and fought the divorce.

He has a warped view of reality. His memories of events are different from what happened, and all his problems in life are the fault of others. This is his mentality.

I allowed him to visit our son at my house, but he has taken advantage of my flexibility and begun to show up at will. That’s a problem. Here’s the other problem. I slept with him after our separation and a time or two since our divorce.

I am no longer interested, but he will stop by late at night on his way to work. I asked him not to do it anymore, but he doesn’t respect my wishes. So I unplugged my doorbell. When I didn’t answer, he beat on the door, then knocked on my bedroom window.

How can I get him to stop?

Crystal

Crystal, there is a difference between living in the moment and messing up tomorrow. Tomorrow you will be living in the mess you created today.

You understand the pattern, don’t you? You had a child with someone you shouldn’t have. Because you had a child, you married; because the marriage shouldn’t have happened, you divorced. While “parting” you maintained sexual intimacy, and after the divorce you did it again.

Why would your ex-husband think you aren’t available to him? You have powerfully reinforced his behavior again and again. As personal security expert Gavin de Becker observed, “Men who cannot let go choose women who cannot say no.”

The only way to cut off intrusive behavior is to cut it off completely. But because of your past behavior, you created a problem not easily remedied. Counseling can get to the reason why you let this man into your life, and a domestic abuse agency can teach you how now to protect yourself.

Wayne & Tamara

Selling Herself Short

I’m divorced, a mother of two, barely scraping by. I have two men who want to marry me. One is successful, and I mean seven-figure successful. He is divorced with three kids, and he treats me like a queen. He is not a big personality type. Our conversations are a little difficult, and he is somewhat boring.

The other man is an old boyfriend, divorced, with kids. He is a paramedic, something he loves with a passion. He treats me well, but financially he would not be as secure. If I married him, I would probably be in the same situation, just scraping by.

But he makes me happy, and I feel loved. He loves me with passion. Should I put myself first, or go with the good man who can provide for me and my family?

Lyla

Lyla, over 75 years ago psychologist Abe Maslow proposed a theory of motivation based on our needs. Maslow’s idea was that once we satisfy a lower need, a higher need will emerge which we will then want to gratify.

For example, once we satisfy physical needs like the need for food, we will want to satisfy safety needs like the need for shelter. When that is accomplished, our emotional needs will assert themselves. The most important of these emotional needs is our need for love.

Maslow’s theory suggests, if you marry for money, you will soon find yourself craving what you don’t have. Love. When that happens you will look elsewhere. That is a pattern we often see.

The hitch with marrying for money is that it puts dishonesty at the center of what should be your most cherished relationship. That would not be good for you and certainly not fair to your husband.

Wayne & Tamara

Riptide

For several years my best friend was Suzie, a woman I knew online. I was in my teens, and Suzie was about ten years older, married with two children. I looked up to her as a mother and sister figure, which was important to me because I don’t get along with my real mother and sister.

Suzie told everyone I was her best friend, and I did likewise. I loved this woman beyond measure, and she helped me through some bad times in my adolescence. She said she loved and cared for me, too, and I had no reason to believe otherwise.

I went to visit Suzie at her home in the summer when I was 18. I was supposed to stay all summer, but she abruptly sent me home after a week. The excuse, which I later decided was a lie, was she had a sick relative she had to care for. But we parted with hugs, “I love you’s,” and “You are my best friend.”

Two days after I got home Suzie emailed telling me never to speak to her again. That’s all her email said—no explanation, just “never contact me again.” At the same time she blocked me from all of her websites and removed all entries from her blog that mentioned me. She basically wrote me out of history.

I still have no idea why. We hadn’t fought, and I can’t think of anything I might have done to offend her, and believe me, I racked my brains. I was hurt, confused, and later angry. I thought I deserved an explanation, but no explanation was forthcoming. Eventually I moved on with my life, though when I thought about Suzie, I felt puzzled and sad.

A year later she emailed. She didn’t specifically mention what happened but said she’d had mental health issues and marriage problems. She said she’d gotten psychiatric treatment and a divorce, was fine now, and wanted to be friends again. She apologized and wanted my forgiveness. I wasn’t enthusiastic, but I wrote saying I still cared about her and would like to try a friendship again.

Suzie replied with a short note saying she was happy to hear it and would write tomorrow. She never did. I know she was still updating her websites, so it’s not like she got run over by a bus. I was more confused than ever.

Two years after that, yesterday, Suzie sent me a request asking to become my social media friend! I absolutely adored this woman. I am sympathetic to her, as I suffer from depression and know how debilitating mental illness can be. But Suzie obviously has serious issues, and she hurt me very, very badly. Does she deserve a third chance, or do I tell her to leave me alone? I can’t decide.

Caitlin

Caitlin, Joseph Campbell said, “The world is perfect. It’s a mess. It has always been a mess. We are not going to change it. Our job is to straighten out our own lives.” The question is not does Suzie deserve another chance, but rather, can you have a good life with people like Suzie in it?

You have some pleasant memories of her and a natural desire to help others. But there is always a risk to the lifeguard. A person has to be very strong not to be pulled under by those who are floundering in life. Suzie disturbs your emotional equilibrium and occupies an undeserved part of your mental landscape. Her inconstancy disrupts your well-being.

An old saying claims that the essentials for happiness in life are something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. That is a wonderful definition of mental health. Focus on bringing those three into your life. Once you have them, you will feel nothing is lacking, and you will be able to cope with people like Suzie.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are the authors of As the Child of an Alcoholic and Cheating in a Nutshell.