The Heart Of The Matter
January 27, 2022
I have male friends who are just friends, but my husband is so insecure about them it is driving me crazy. A year ago Christmas he took our children to visit family out of town. I could not go because of work. While my family was gone, I invited a male friend to go to Christmas Eve service with me. I told my husband, and he had no reaction.
Six months later my spouse complained I was spending too much time with other men. He insisted I have one of the children with me to act as a chaperone. A chaperone for what I do not know, because nothing ever happens. We live in a small town with nosey neighbors who report my comings and goings to my husband. These neighbors must lead such boring and miserable lives they try to make my life as miserable as theirs.
My husband claims I disrespected him by taking a friend to church when he wasn't home. Wouldn't it have been more disrespectful if I had not told him? Nine years ago he had an affair with a woman in our home. I feel he's carrying around guilt about the affair and laying it onto me, which is not fair. I have been in therapy for a year now. My husband has gone to the last two sessions with me. I discovered he married me because he felt "obligated" since we had sex before marriage. No, I was not pregnant.
In twenty years I have never been unfaithful and I don't plan to be, but I can't go on much longer with my husband not trusting me. This has driven a big wedge between us. My therapist says everyone deserves friends, whether they be male or female. Any advice?
Sue, the wedge between you was driven nine years ago when your husband brought another woman into your home. Now he says he felt obligated to marry you, which undercuts the very basis of your marriage. True or not, he is saying love isn't the reason for your relationship and never was.
We believe you when you say you don't plan to be unfaithful. At least subconsciously, though, your contact with other men is an exquisitely slow payback for your husband's affair. It is a bit like pricking him with a pin, again and again. There is a word which starts with "d" that you have both been avoiding. It is time to stop skirmishing about superficial issues and discuss the heart of the matter.
Wayne and Tamara
Wayne & Tamara are also the authors of Age Difference Relationships, When Is the Gap Insurmountable, available from Amazon, Apple and most booksellers.