Open Heart

Although I am not usually an indecisive person, I am having a difficult time making a financial decision and would like your thoughts on the matter.

I have belonged to a church for 25 years. I have supported it with increasingly larger amounts as my circumstances improved, although not with tithes as they would like. Over the years religion has come to make less and less sense to me, but I still believe "as you have done unto the least of these, you have done unto me."

Over the last few years, though, I have been disappointed at how little of the church budget actually goes to charitable causes, and I began to feel as if my money could be better spent going to secular organizations like our local food bank. Our church does raise a lot of money for charity, but that is in addition to our monthly pledges.

Since I attend the church, I thought it only fair that I contribute my monthly pledge to keep the church going, no matter what the state of my beliefs. This year I did not make a pledge of financial support, but I intended to keep giving the same amount I had been giving.

However, recently we received a newsletter from our church stating there has been such a good response to the recent pledge drive they adopted a new budget almost 20 percent higher than the previous one. A week after that, disaster struck overseas. Again I began to feel that my money can be better spent going to aid that country, as well as going to local charities that are dealing with this poor economy with less success than my church is.

But, as I said, I am having a hard time making the decision. Part of me feels guilty for participating without paying, and part of me feels if I still believed in Jesus, I'd be doing his wishes best by giving to the less fortunate. I decided to pay this month's pledge to an organization providing medical aid abroad.

After that, I do not know. I don't expect you to tell me what to do, but I would like whatever insights you can give me.

Tonya

Tonya, people are born into your church, even as other people die. People move into your area and join the church, even as others move away. Some people simply move on. That's part of the normal life cycle of a church. There is nothing in that to regret.

Aside from advancing what they consider true beliefs, churches are also organizations. Every organization does what it can to perpetuate itself. That is an organization's main goal, whether it is a business, a charity, or a church.

When Jesus drove the money changers from the temple, he said his house is a house of prayer. But, of necessity, there is always an uneasy tension between money and religion. When you donate, it feels like settling a bill. Shaking your pastor's hand, you wonder if he's totaling your monthly contributions in his head.

You may be having a crisis of faith, but in part it's triggered by your church's financial structure and budget. You object to how the money is spent.

Meister Eckhart said whether we know it or not, our nature seeks to "ferret out the track in which God may be found." That is what you are doing. You are trying to come to terms with the ultimate. There is no danger a higher power will misunderstand your motives, for as Eckhart said, "The eye with which I see God is the same eye with which God sees me."

We hear the compassion in your letter. To whomever you give, give in a way that makes you feel good. Once you feel good about giving again, you will give more and with a gladder heart.

Wayne & Tamara

An Honest Appraisal

When Jeff and I met 15 years ago, we truly believed we were soul mates. Till this day we've never been bored with each other. We spend hours together talking, playing, laughing, scheming. People say he worships the ground I walk on.

He's always been sexual in a boyish way, and when we first met, he said he no longer lusted after women. He was married to his first wife then, and she later informed me he would always cheat, even on me.

Three years into the marriage my 18-year-old son saw Jeff and a woman outside his apartment. Jeff asked my son if he could use his place for a while. Confused, my son agreed and left. I found out about this five years later when my son felt he had to tell me. When confronted Jeff denied it.

There was always something suspicious about Jeff. There were cards, letters, and pictures that suggested he was cheating all through the marriage. All of the women seemed to be of the same makeup: weak, uneducated, and single. Jeff denied everything, tearing up the evidence before my eyes.

Two years ago a woman called me to say she had been having an affair with Jeff. In fact, on our anniversary, he bought her flowers. We had a knock-down, drag-out fight and he was arrested. Like most wives I dropped all charges.

After each episode, Jeff acts his usual cheerful self as if nothing happened. It makes me want to go out and do the same to him, but I just can't. Mind you, I'm a good-looking woman with style. Men are attracted to me. Maybe it sounds crazy, but when Jeff and I are together, I feel loved. But I also feel betrayed.

There was no more evidence of cheating until a few days ago during our wonderful vacation in Belize. I traced a hang up call back to a woman who Jeff was seeing. She said she wouldn't have been involved unless he was getting a divorce, which he said he was.

I'm numb. I haven't slept in days, I can't eat, I haven't spoken 20 words to Jeff. I can't even imagine a future anymore. Yet I know Jeff will never leave on his own. Everything is in my name and my accounts. I feel sorry for him because I've always been the breadwinner.

I offered to pay him $10,000 to leave. He refused. He doesn't want money. If I leave or put him out, what excuse can I give the family? They believe we are just like honeymooners. Telling the truth would destroy him, their relationship with him, everything. Why can't he be faithful?

Hillary

Hillary, asking why he can't be faithful is almost like asking why he can't be taller. He just isn't. You feel loved by him. So do all the other women. Making a woman feel loved, overcoming her scruples with lies, is what he is good at.

After each episode he acts like nothing happened. That is because nothing has happened to him. He is doing what he has always done. He is like the boss who tells prospective employees they will have to work overtime and on Sundays. Once hired, their complaints fall on deaf ears, and rightfully so. Why? The boss forewarned them and they accepted the terms.

Being the breadwinner is your plus. That is why he is with you instead of another woman. He turned down your cash offer because you are worth more to him than $10,000. You are his base of operations. Unwittingly you provide him with the means and leisure to court other women.

Your family, like your son, may well know the truth of your relationship. You offered them the image of honeymooners. If you stick with this lie, you will be stuck with it the rest of your life.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are also the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell, available from Amazon, Apple and most booksellers.