Playing With Matches

I just found an old boyfriend I dated when I was 14. Tom has been married now for 10 years. Happily, I might add. He told me so. My problem is his wife hates me.

When my husband and I are at this couple's house, she acts fine in front of him, but when he leaves the room, she makes remarks about us leaving. When he returns, she says, "You don't have to leave. We're not pushing you out."

My thinking was to get to know him all over again, and her also. I have to admit Tom has asked inappropriate questions, like when he asked me if I would pop up somewhere with just a long coat on. Or the time he mentioned my breasts and said, "Where did you get those?" His wife laughed and said we are the same size.

One thing, though, she has implants and I don't. We were at a bar and because it's such a long drive home, Tom thoughtfully invited us to spend the night at their house. She said she just put clean sheets in the spare bedroom, but when we got there, she made it known we were not welcome.

All my life I grew up with other girls not liking me, and the married ones don't want me around their husbands. I'm very religious and would never commit adultery. I don't even look at Tom that way.

Years ago when we dated, I was shy, and he intimidated me. Now I speak right up, and it's nice for a change. All three of us get along, it's her I don't know what to do about. I am having nightmares because it is bothering me so much.

Gale

Gale, in the "The Shawshank Redemption," a convict named Andy Dufresne is serving life for two murders he didn't commit. When Andy comes across evidence which will clear him, he tells the warden.

The warden is a corrupt man who is using the prison to line his own pockets. He pretends not to understand. He will never free Andy because Andy knows about his dirty dealings. Exasperated, Andy blurts out, "Are you being deliberately obtuse?"

You, too, are being deliberately obtuse. Are you that bored with your own marriage? The truth is, you want this flirtation and the thrill of pursuit, and you don't care what that does to this woman's marriage.

Gale, you are standing in your living room pouring gasoline on the carpet and chairs. What we say may not make a difference, but if you are asking for our permission to strike a match, the answer is no.

Wayne & Tamara

Wayne & Tamara are also the authors of Cheating in a Nutshell, What Infidelity Does to the Victim, available from Amazon, Apple and most booksellers.Crook & Marker

But I'm The...

About eight years ago, I first became friends with my college roommate "Cindy." At the time she was dating "John." Our friendship ended shortly before Cindy moved out of our college apartment. In all honesty, I was going through an unhealthy time, and she had her own problems.

Not long after that I got my life back on track, met my future husband, and attended law school. Four years later, I touched base with Cindy. In retrospect, my husband thinks I contacted her because I either subconsciously wanted to show her I was in a good place or wanted closure.

Cindy was now engaged to John. Back in college, people didn't think John was good enough for her, and I thought she was rebelling by dating him. But I grew to see maybe John was more insecure than anything else.

When I introduced my future husband to Cindy and John, he did not like John. John was his usual crass self. He would brag about drinking in college, talk inappropriately about women, and turn any conversation into a story about himself.

When I told my future husband about John's good qualities, he said he was waiting to see them. He didn't want to become friends with John and Cindy, but he made the best of it for my sake. In time, John's behavior started to wear on both of us, and Cindy's faults became more noticeable.

Then John offended me in a whole new way. At our wedding, he met my attorney mentor, a professor at my law school. She agreed to give John advice. When her help fell short of actually getting him in, John told my husband he thought my mentor didn't help at all, and neither had I.

To top it off, when I threw a going-away party for an attorney friend at my house, I invited Cindy and she wanted to bring John. My gut told me John would either irritate or embarrass me in front of my boss, attorney friends, and business contacts.

So I politely asked Cindy to ask John to dress and act conservatively. Mind you, he often dresses in T-shirts with holes, plays with his tongue ring, and flips cigarette butts on the lawn. Cindy and John were offended. I apologized, but inside I was angry. Many times John offended us, but we didn't make an issue out of it.

The next time we saw them Cindy talked to my husband while coldly ignoring me. When I spoke with John, he turned it into an argument and yelled at me in public.

How can I move on so I don't feel angry towards these people?

Marie

Marie, we can all own the sense of going to a school reunion, or not going, based on what we are now. Your husband is likely right. You wanted to show Cindy you had gone somewhere and had a better man than she did.

Everyone in college knew John as an ass, but you pretended he had a silver lining he never showed. If that were true, it would work both ways. When we see someone good, we should suspect they are hiding their bad side. When we can't accept that some people are an ass, and that is their good side, then we spend our lives misjudging others.

If good people go along and don't call others on offensive behavior, how can they say something later on? When they do, it will sound like they are just repeating something they heard from Oprah.

Your anger is displaced. You shouldn't have mined your past to make yourself feel good now. Own up to it. It's on you. Tell your husband, "My bad. Let's bid these two adieu." Then take him out to dinner and promise, in the future, you'll be more careful about swaying him off his feelings.

Wayne & Tamara

Self-Deception

I've been married twice before, once at 17 and again at 23. I got married for the wrong reasons. I'm now 33 and have been in a relationship for two years with a woman, 29. My girlfriend has said from the beginning that she wants to get married.

I told her from the beginning I was never getting married again. Recently she's been bringing it up, and I'm too scared to say I don't want to marry her. It breaks my heart to see her cry. Do I tell her the truth, even though I know it will hurt her?

Stefan

Stefan, two years ago she said she wanted marriage, and you warned her you didn't. You each made your position perfectly clear, and you each ignored the other person's position. Instead of breaking up, you continued forward and got intimately involved.

You each deceived the other, trying to get what you wanted. You each deceived yourself by pretending you didn't hear what the other person desired. These two years haven't made much difference in what you want, but they make a great deal of difference in what she wants. It's not enough to speak honestly. You must act honestly.

Wayne & Tamara